Morning all. I have a very special announcement for you all today. Arsenal have decided that Arsene Wenger has no idea what he's doing, and they're moving on. They've found a new manager, and he's just what everyone has been hoping for. He's got a much better track record than Wenger, who of course only won three league titles and four FA Cups and is Arsenal's most successful manager ever. This manager has guaranteed that he will win the title, the FA Cup, the Carling Cup, and the Champions League every year. Losing a single game is unacceptable, which is good because he has never lost one in his career.
He's also promised a whole host of signings. Clearly Denilson, Diaby, and Ramsey are no good so he will bring in Gareth Barry to partner Cesc in the middle. Barry might not be enough though because our "squad" still won't be big enough, so he'll also invest in Xabi Alonso AND Yaya Toure. At striker he's going to fulfill everyone's desires by buying David Villa, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, and Samuel Eto'o. That should make us stronger up front. Never mind if it affects Vela or Walcott or Bendtner's development, because our new manager doesn't concern himself with the future.
Arsenal's debt they had to pay off was clearly made up, because the new manager has spent over 150 million pounds on players to make sure our squad is "strong" enough right now and wants to make every fan happy. So it turns out Arsene Wenger just used that whole "debt" thing as a way to not spend any money and not try to improve the club. In fact, the whole thing was his attempt to sabotage Arsenal and make them never win anything again. He figured he had won enough to get away with never winning again, so his new goal was to last as long as possible without a trophy.
And perhaps best of all, this manager is an Englishman. Clearly these foreigners don't know how to manage football clubs, because every time they try in England (Mourinho, Ferguson, Wenger, Benitez) they fail horribly. He'll probably use the rest of his alleged 300 million pound transfer budget to buy a lot of English born players who are clearly top quality, like David Bentley, Jermaine Pennant, and maybe even John Terry, who we all love. So we have that to look forward to because Arsenal should definitely not employ all these foreign types.
So now the presentation of this new manager who we will all love for years and years to come, who will fulfill all of our ambitions and buy every player we've ever wanted to see in an Arsenal kit...
Here he is!!!
Oh wait, he doesn't exist. There isn't a manager like that. Man, I was really excited there for a minute. Guess we're stuck with Wenger for now....
Go USA!
